Why I Chose to Quit

A story about my latest life update

Today is my last day here, in Jakarta. I’m on my last train home.

My soul is empty, my mind is full.

If you ever wondered what was on my mind lately when I submit my first resignation letter, I am going to tell you..

It’s been hard for me;

It’s been so hard for me these past three months.

And glad that I still can breathe.

Some people think that it’s because of my destiny—as the youngest in the family so I come back home after my dad passed away.

They’re not totally wrong, but not that right.

The truth is no matter how hard I try to sail along a river to be far from home, the destiny will find it’s way.

When I faced the reality that I and my dad were no longer in the same dimension, the first thing that comes to mind is Mom, and then home, and then what should I do next.

My mom told me that she was okay and that I didn’t have to rush everything, especially with my life decision.

So? Why I finally choose to quit then?

The absence of my dad in my life is like me facing a hurricane. I might not cry, you could see me smiling and laughing at the funeral, but deep inside, I’m dying. The difference is just that I need more time to process everything — longer than anyone else.

I didn’t wanna go to work, but I pushed myself to— because I knew I have to.

What I’ve just realized lately, in my case, all of this time, everything I did, I did it because I want to make my parents happy, I want to make them proud. So when I lost my dad, I lost myself too.

Since he’s gone, everything feels meaningless. It’s like running with just one leg left. I stumbled and collapsed for many times.

Back in the time when I first became an HR and started my adulthood journey in Jakarta. My dad was so glad and surprised. He finally knows that he lives in me. He told me a story about him when he was an HR director in his last company with excited eyes.

I was enjoying my job with its ups and downs. But when he’s gone, it doesn’t spark joy anymore, I don’t know why am I still here, and why the hell I still survive.

I don’t know: where I exactly am and where do I wanna go.

So one day, I finally decided to quit. I am going to come back home.

Ain’t I feel sad?

I am. Not because of the resignations, but the truth that I stopped and suddenly change my direction. A piece of myself still wants to pursue a career here and there. But then again, this is the most realistic decision for me and all.

It’s not like I have no choice.

I have.

God gave me the momentum and I choose to take that.

Just like my boss said, “maybe God give you a way to shift your career”.

I was lost for so long and it’s now my journey to find myself again. But first, I’m going to the place where I’m most needed.

I come back home.

Come back to mom.

Come home to myself.

The Spotify playlist hugging me with Hivi’s song:

Oh bahagianya bila bisa sejenak berhenti untuk mengejar cita, mengejar mimpi, mengingat memori untuk bisa lari lagi…